


MFU Drabbles

by alynwa



Category: Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-29
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 112
Words: 11,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alynwa/pseuds/alynwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Independent drabbles about life in UNCLE.  The majority of these drabbles were written for the "A Little Drabble Do Ya" Challenge on Livejournal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Matter of Taste

“Just taste it, Napoleon!  I promise you will like it!”

“And, if I don’t?”

“You will, trust me.”

The magic words: Trust me.  Napoleon took the proffered toast point and bit into it.  “This _is_ good.  Who knew roasted bone marrow would be?”

“World – class chefs, for one.  You need to expand your palate as we often must eat what is available in the field; which is usually not steak and potatoes.”

“I see no reason to eat bugs, feet, marrow and innards when unnecessary.”

“Some cultures consider those foods delicacies.  You are a food snob.”

“You’re right, I am.”


	2. Fall

“I love this time of year,” Illya said as he and Napoleon exited Del Floria’s on their way to the airport to head west to determine if THRUSH had figured out a way to beat the house in Las Vegas in order to fill their coffers.  “The temperature and humidity are quite comfortable and I do not sweat through my clothes.”

Napoleon replied, “September in New York is a beautiful time of year.  Too bad we’ll be in Vegas as the temperature there will be in the upper 90s all week.”

“THRUSH will regret forcing me to Vegas.”

“I’m sure.”


	3. Watching Television

“Dinner was excellent, as always, Napoleon.  Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Tovarisch.  Let’s watch The Ed Sullivan show.”

“What is that thing supposed to be?”

Napoleon replied, “That’s Topo Gigio, the Italian mouse.  I like him, he’s funny.”

Illya rolled his eyes in amusement.  “You like a little mouse puppet!” he laughed, “How… _cute._   If THRUSH could see you now!”

“Not so fast, you hypocritical Russian!  You were laughing at Speedy Gonzalez cartoons yesterday!  I prefer my puppet to your cartoon character any day.”

“Speedy is funny!  However, I sincerely hope no one discovers how much we like ethnic rodents.”

“Me, too.”


	4. Dental Problems

“Ow!” Napoleon exclaimed as he dropped his fork and grabbed his jaw, “My tooth broke!”

“Fortunately for you the dentist is in Medical today; you better go now before he gets busy.”

“I’ll just take some aspirin.”

The Russian sat back and stared at his partner.  He pointed and laughed, “You are afraid!”

Eyes narrowing, Napoleon declared, “I am not!  I have reports to write is all.”

“Prove it!  Go get your tooth fixed.  We leave for Algiers in three days.  This cannot be an issue.  Seriously; go, Napoleon.  Now.”

“Will you accompany me?”

“ _Da._ I will protect you!”

“Fun _ny_.”


	5. Changing Times

The giggling stopped as soon as Napoleon and Illya entered the Commissary.  They nodded hello to the table of secretaries, who smiled and watched as the men got their coffee and left.

“I bet you Illya’s better.”

“How can he be?  He doesn’t seem to date anyone.”

“Still waters run deep.  He’s probably a screamer and that makes him better in my book.”

“Mine, too.”

“Hello, girls.”

“Agent Dancer!  Hello.”

“My colleagues are very private individuals who will be appalled to know their techniques are being speculated about in public.”

“ _Will?”_

“Will.”  April walked away.

“A woman in Section II is a gossip stopper.”

“Things are changing.”


	6. Solitude

“I can understand enjoying your own company, Illya; I’ve been known to spend a day off home alone for no other reason than wanting peace and quiet.  You, however, have raised being alone to an art form.  It is not healthy to be alone all the time.”

“Napoleon,” the Russian sighed, “I think this is not about me wanting to spend time alone.  This is about _you_ wanting to spend time with _me._   We just spent fifty – odd hours together!”

“Yes, hanging upside down; hardly quality time.  Our bond needs strengthening.”

“Any stronger and we will be the same person.”


	7. In a Mood

“Napoleon, I am supposed to be the ‘brooding’ partner.  What has you in such a contemplative state?”

Illya watched as he partner sighed and sat back in his chair.  “Do you ever feel like: What’s the point?  We give our blood, sweat and tears for this job and so what.  We all end up as worm food, anyway.”

“I have never heard you so pessimistic before.  Has something happened?”

“One of my childhood friends just died.  I guess that’s coloring how I’m seeing the world and my place in it right now.”

“It will get better, Napoleon.”

“I know, Illya.”


	8. In a Better Mood

“Illya, let’s go to the movies!  Afterwards, we can get take out, head back to my place and watch TV.”

The Russian studied his partner and observed, “Yesterday, depressed; today manic?  You seem in a much better mood.”

“I am, _Tovarisch,_ I just needed some time.  Like you said: It got better.”

Illya grinned.  “So you are now back to your normal nauseatingly upbeat self?”

“One of us has to be, my fatalistic Russian friend.  I’m indebted to you for your understanding yesterday.”

“I am your partner; what troubles you troubles me.”

“I know; that’s why tonight is my treat.”


	9. Lucky

“Miss Rogers, I’m expecting a delivery.”

“Here it is, Sir, Agent Del Floria scanned it and sent it up an hour ago.  I daresay the wrapping paper is lovely.”

“I’m glad you approve.  This is an anniversary gift for Mrs. Waverly; we’ve been married for forty years.  I’ll be leaving early; we have dinner reservations.”

“Congratulations, she is a lucky woman.  Have a wonderful evening,” she said as she exited his office. 

The Old Man harrumphed and stroked the gift box.  _Miss Rogers,_ he thought, _Thank Heaven I have enough sense to know I am a very lucky man indeed._


	10. Sunday Morning

_Peaceful Sunday morning; sleeping late, nowhere to be…_

A familiar knocking on the door, followed by a key unlocking it.  _Bozhe moi, Napoleon with no Saturday night conquest is my Sunday morning nightmare!  I am_ not _getting out of my bed, he will get the hint.  No wonder people speculate on the nature of our partnership; he keeps narrowing the boundaries between us!  He tousles my hair, calls me affectionate pet names in public, seeks out my opinion and company before anyone else’s.  I should tell him…_

“Illya, I brought brunch!”

_I will tell him he is my best friend._


	11. Monday Morning

_Six forty - five comes around way too fast!  Illya’s going to be here any minute and if I’m not ready, he’s going to complain about how much I care about my appearance._

_Well, why shouldn’t I? I’m a good – looking man in his prime and the ladies appreciate it.  Being attractive takes more than soap, water and an off the rack suit!_ He sighed. _It also takes a partner willing to take a beating or a bullet to protect you._

“Napoleon!  Are you ready?”

“Yes.  Do you know you are my best friend?”

“You are a sentimental blockhead, Partner.”


	12. Money Matters

“Illya, lend me fifty dollars until payday.”

The Russian stared at his partner like he had grown a second head.  “ _Fifty dollars?_ For what?”

“I promised Laura I would take her to The Café au Go Go dancing tonight and I…”

“Sorry, Napoleon, I refuse to finance your good time.  Again.  I have heard you are a wealthy man, why do you need _my_ money?”

“My wealth is held in investments controlled by my Aunt Amy.  I don’t have access to them, yet.”

“By the time you get access, you will have to sign half of it over to me.”

“I know.”


	13. Money Matters - The Pool

“Illya, I’ve asked Marian in Translations out for drinks tomorrow.  If you ask her friend Kellie, we can double.”

The Russian sighed, “I cannot ask her or any UNCLE employee out, Napoleon.  I discovered there is a $500 office pool to be awarded to whoever guesses who goes out with the ‘Ice Prince’.”

“You know about that?”

“ _You_ know about it?  Napoleon,” Illya growled, “What did you do?”  Realization hit suddenly.  “You bet on Kellie!”

Blushing, Napoleon replied, “I figured you would rather win money _for_ me instead of lending it _to_ me.  I’m trying to help _you_ out.”

“Thanks.”


	14. Night Moves

Illya and Napoleon left Mr. Waverly’s office and headed to their office.  Napoleon knew the Russian was fuming so he thought of ways to escape his wrath unscathed.  “ _Tovarisch,_ it really isn’t my fault…”

He was cut off immediately.  “Yes, it is!  The microdot would not have been accidentally destroyed if you had not been flirting with that stewardess!  Now, we are _both_ stuck working the overnight shift for a week.”

“I was being punished; you didn’t have to volunteer to join me.”

“Blockhead, I am your partner; what happens to you happens to me.  You owe me dinner.”

“Done.”


	15. Road Trip

“We are lost, Napoleon.”

“We are _not!”_

“Mr. Waverly is expecting us to meet him in an hour!  Leave it to you to forget to bring the map, we should have retrieved it like I suggested.  ‘We don’t need it,’ you said.  ‘I know how to get there,’ you said.”

“’Ow, my arm is broken’ is what _you’ll_ be saying if you don’t stop mocking me! There’s the turn off now; we’ll be there in a moment, Ye of Little Faith.”

“I have faith in you, Napoleon.  I just do not think you are perfect.”

“Well, maybe you should.”


	16. Self Defense Moves

Illya and Napoleon had finished their sparring session and were entering the locker room when Lisa Rogers and several secretaries exited their locker room and lined up around the floor mats.

“Napoleon,” she called sweetly, “Would you please help me demonstrate some self – defense moves?”

Napoleon bowed and answered, “Of course,” before walking to her side.

“Grab me from behind.”  He complied and Lisa said, “Ladies, if grabbed like this; do _this!”_  

Napoleon collapsed in pain when her foot found his privates.

Illya stepped forward to help him.  “It hurt when I was the demonstration dummy yesterday,” he said sympathetically.


	17. Softie

Napoleon checked his watch for what felt like the thousandth time.  _He’s never late!_ Just as he grabbed his coat, the doorman announced Illya was on his way.  A familiar coded knock sounded on his penthouse door moments later.  Letting the Russian enter he asked, “What kept you?”

“I apologize; I helped a lost child find her mother.  The mother was…very grateful.  She tried to give me money!  I refused saying it was my pleasure to help.”

“No one believes me when I say that you are a softie!  ‘Saver of lost children, indeed!’”

“Don’t you _dare_ tell anyone, Napoleon!”


	18. Lunch

Illya was speechless. He had never seen anything like it; he had never _heard_ of anything like it. His American partner was sitting at a table watching him with amusement as the Russian turned slowly in a circle to take it all in.

"Napoleon, this is wonderful! Thank you so much for bringing me here. I think this is my favorite place in all of New York City! What is it called again?"

"Horn and Hardant's Food Automat."

Illya placed coins in a slot and pulled out a sandwich. "America is amazing," he said before taking a bite.


	19. Dinner

"Hello, Napoleon. Mr. Waverly asked me to bring this…Are you expecting company?"

"No, just you, Partner."

"Linen napkins, china, gold plated cutlery, crystal glasses; what is for dinner?"

"Steak, lobster, baked potatoes, salad, wine and Boston cream pie for dessert."

" _Boszhe moi_ , if you had come to my house for dinner, we would be eating Chinese off paper plates with plastic forks."

"Napoleon Solo's kitchen is a paper and plastic free zone, my friend."

"And, why is that?" the Russian asked.

"I deserve the best because I'm worth it. And, you're here because you are, too."

"To friendship."


	20. Snack

Illya closed his desk drawer and glared across the desks at his partner.

"Napoleon, what is that in your hand?"

"This? Just a Mr. Goodbar. Want some?"

"Where did you get it?"

"Its got peanuts in it."

"I know. Where did you get it?"

"Well, I wanted to finish my reports and I was getting hungry so…"

"You went into my desk and stole it. And now, you offer to share _my_ candy with me?"

"Sharing is caring. If you prefer, I'll buy you one for yourself."

"I _had_ one for myself! Buy me a Baby Ruth."

"Okay."


	21. Illya and Cats

"Why do you insist on feeding these little beasts, Illya?"

"I like cats, Napoleon. They remind me of me."

"Oh, this I have to hear. How do they remind you of you?"

"Cats are independent, yet capable of being around others. They are solitary, yet will respond affectionately to the right person. They can survive on their own, yet will accept care and companionship if it is offered in the right way. When I first arrived in America, I was very wary of everyone I came in contact with, until you. I learned to trust you."

"Of course you did."


	22. The More Things Stay the Same

"Waverly appointed a woman to Section II! April Dancer, what kind of idiotic name is that?"

"She's got no business there; she's going to get her partner killed! Mark's a fool to let Napoleon assign… Illya! Mark! How are you?"

"Fine. Mark and I need to demonstrate self – defense moves for the secretarial staff. You just volunteered to help. Come."

"Illya?"

"Napoleon."

"Why are Smith and Jones in Medical claiming you and Mark beat them up?"

"It was a class demonstration. I do not think they will speak ill of April again, though."

"It's good to know chivalry lives."


	23. Decisions, Decisions

"Illya, what are you doing? Are you OK?"

"Yes. No. I am not sure. So many choices; it is a little overwhelming. I want to look at everything."

"Illya, pick something! I don't want to spend an hour in the candy aisle waiting for you to make a decision."

"But, Napoleon, there is milk chocolate, semi – sweet chocolate, chocolate with almonds, with raisins, candy – coated, white chocolate, chocolate – covered coconut bars…"

"Illya," Napoleon snarled impatiently, "I am about to leave you here!"

"Alright, I have chosen. Let us get sandwiches."

"Should I get turkey or ham or tuna or…"

"Napoleon!"


	24. Hunger Pains

"Illya, what are you eating?"

"Never mind; you are not getting any."

"What? I'm your partner and I'm starving. You won't feed me?"

"Napoleon, we are not in a jungle; we are in our office. Go to the Commissary and buy your own sandwich!"

"I'm broke until payday! Feed me, please!"

"No."

"Illya, are we not members of the same lodge, pages of the same book, eggs of the same carton?"

"I think hunger has made you delirious."

"Maybe it has."

"Good grief, Napoleon! Here, take this half and shut up!"

"Bless you, Tovarisch!"

"Less religion and more silence, Solo!"


	25. Capacity for Violence

A ripple of excitement coursed through the Commissary as Mark Slate, April Dancer, Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin came through the doors, grabbed trays and got on line to buy their lunch.

As they took seats at a table near the back of the room, April asked, "Is it always like this?"

"What, Luv?"

"People react to Section IIs like they're a little afraid. I emptied a ladies' room just by entering."

"It's Illya's fault; he decked a lab tech who touched him unexpectedly," Napoleon said, "Until then, our capacity for violence was only a rumor. Get used to it."


	26. Capacity for Violence - The Truth

"Stop glaring at me, Illya! I was kidding!"

"Why would you lie to Mark and April that I punched a lab tech when it was _your_ reaction to a secretary jumping playfully on your back that put the fear of Section II into every maiden aunt in the building?"

"April needed an answer and I'm still a little embarrassed by that incident."

"As well you should be."

"I suffered for weeks after!"

"Excuse me if I don't agree that no one wanting to date you for a few months counts as suffering."

"With my libido it is, _Tovarisch_."

"I see."


	27. Family Matters

"Aunt Amy! This is a pleasant surprise; what brings you here?"

"Napoleon, I have to tell you something embarrassing."

Taking her by the arm, he led her to the couch. "What's wrong?"

Wiping her eyes with a tissue, she murmured, "I've been seeing someone and I think he's…stealing from me."

Quietly furious, he asked, "Why are you embarrassed? You're a victim!"

"How can I trust my judgment again? This is the first man I've socialized with since…," she couldn't finish.

Kissing her cheek, Napoleon said, "Give me his name and contact information, dear. Illya and I'll take care of it."


	28. Family Matters II

When Illya found out what transpired the day before, he was livid. "Napoleon, this _Черт собаки_ (damn dog) made Aunt Amy _cry_? When are we going to visit him?"

"After work; we have no time for this foolishness; our flight to Paraguay leaves at noon tomorrow." Napoleon's smile turned bloodthirsty. "This is what I need you to do, Tovarisch." As he spoke, Illya's grin matched his partner's.

" _Da_ , I'll be ready."

At 7PM, Napoleon knocked on a door in the Hotel Pennsylvania. "Wendell LeBlanc?"

The man opened the door. "Yes?"

Pushing in, he growled, "We want a word with you."


	29. Family Matters III

"Don't hurt me! Take my money!" Wendell begged as he backed away from the dangerous looking men glaring at him with guns drawn.

"Don't you mean take _Amy Solo's_ money?"

"What? Who are you guys?"

"I'm her nephew, Napoleon Solo and this is my associate."

"I thought she made you up! Who names their kid _Napoleon_?"

"Nevermind. Where are Amy's possessions?"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Wrong answer. Illya?"

The Russian pulled a wicked – looking hypo from his pocket. Wendell opened his mouth to scream, but was silenced and jabbed at the same time.

"You'll answer _now_."


	30. Family Matters IV

Illya settled the limp man into a chair. "The truth serum is working. Can you hear me, Wendell?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

"What did you take from Amy Solo?"

"Five diamond rings, a watch, ruby earrings and $1000."

Illya had to stop Napoleon from punching the man in the face.

"Where are her things?" Napoleon demanded.

"My suitcase."

Napoleon dumped the case upside down on the bed and took Amy's things back plus $500 of his money.

"She's too embarrassed to press charges; wipe his memory of Amy and us and send him back to Louisiana.

"With pleasure, _moy droog_."


	31. Family Matters V

"Boys! Come in; I wasn't expecting to see you tonight."

"Sorry to stop by so late, Aunt Amy, but we wanted to give you your things before we leave tomorrow. Wendell was very apologetic; he threw in $500 to make up for his…indiscretion."

Illya added, "He will not be back."

"Good. Would you boys like tea?"

"We can't stay, but we will come for dinner when we return. Goodnight, Aunt Amy."

They received their kisses and as they entered the elevator, Napoleon asked Illya, "How do you know he won't return?"

"I made him afraid of New York City."

"Ha!"


	32. Fog

Illya awoke in his studio and even though the sun wouldn’t rise for another hour, he could see fog outside.  _Fog is an agent’s best friend,_ he thought as he showered and dressed.

Napoleon awoke and discovered his penthouse view hidden behind a fog curtain.  As he left for the office he thought, _I hope this burns off soon._

The partners met in the Commissary coffee line.  “Lousy morning,” Napoleon groused.

Illya grinned.  “I disagree; a foggy morning saved my life during a mission in London years before I met you.”

Napoleon replied, “I guess that changes my opinion slightly.”


	33. Quick Fast in a Hurry

The shot ricocheted way too close to Napoleon's head for comfort. "Illya!" he called to his partner who was behind him calmly picking the lock that was blocking them from freedom, "A little alacrity right now would be greatly appreciated!"

"I am almost there, Napoleon," the Russian replied unhurriedly.

"I can't hold them much longer!"

Illya unlocked the door and in one fluid motion, yanked Napoleon out with him while lobbing a grenade through as Napoleon pulled the door shut before turning to run behind his partner.

Brushing himself off, he turned to Illya and said, "Cutting it close, weren't you?"

"We are alive, stop complaining."


	34. First Week

"Why did The Old Man let a Commie into UNCLE? Stinks to have a Commie period but, in _New York_?"

"I heard the CIA follows him everywhere; when they find that pinko's handlers, they'll throw his ass in jail so fast his head will... Mr. Solo! May we help you?"

"Yes, you can either stop spewing your ignorant rants in this commissary, these hallways and these offices or you can man our Antarctica facility and rant all you want. Which is it?"

"Um, we'll stop, sir; sorry."

"Here's your coffee, Illya. Sorry I took so long."

"Anything happen?"

"No."


	35. Heatwave

"This heat is ridiculous! I'm sweltering and my pants crease is ruined!"

"Napoleon," Illya huffed in exasperation, "you are never satisfied. You complained about the cold in Alaska and now you complain about the heat in NY!"

"Hazy, hot and humid is a normal NY summer; hazy, hot, humid and a hundred is not. Thank God HQ and my apartment are air conditioned."

"That reminds me: What is for dinner?"

" _What_?"

"I will be staying with you during this heatwave. My place is not air conditioned, remember."

Napoleon sighed, "Be glad I like you. Of course you may stay"

"Thanks."


	36. Heatwave II

"Illya! Come look at the lightning! This is some storm!"

Illya shrugged and continued to read his magazine. "No, thank you; it is enough to know the storm will break the heat."

Napoleon turned in time to see his partner flinch at a thunderclap. "Well I'll be…Thunderstorms scare you! Who would have thought _that_?"

The Russian growled, "Anyone who can imagine a small child living in a war zone listening to bombs fall and watching the flash as they exploded."

Chastened, Napoleon sat next to him and said, "I'm sorry, Partner. I meant no harm."

"I know you didn't, Napoleon."


	37. Heatwave III

"So, Illya…"

The Russian looked up from his periodical. "Yes, Napoleon?"

"The temperature is only hitting 85 today. The heatwave is over."

"Yes, I watched the weather report." As Napoleon squirmed he asked, "What is it?"

" _Moy brat_ , I love you; I've killed for you and I would die for you."

"I know; what is wrong?"

"You've got to go home. You're driving me crazy! You leave your clothes everywhere, you leave dishes in the sink…"

"I do the same when we are on a mission."

"Missions end. You're my best friend; keep it that way. Goodbye."

"Alright, Napoleon. Goodbye."


	38. The Crush

"You are the sweetest little lady I have ever met!" There was a brief pause. "No, you are! All I want to do is kiss you."

Napoleon's fist stopped just before knocking on Illya's door. _I've never heard him sound so smitten!_ He almost walked away. Almost. "Illya!" he called as he knocked, "Open the door!"

Immediately, he heard the locks tumble and the door opened. Glancing around quickly, he saw no one. He noticed a gray kitten snuggled against Illya's chest. "The sweet little lady, I presume?"

"I am catsitting for a neighbor. She is adorable."

"You amaze me."


	39. Getting Ready

"Napoleon, how can you not be ready? We have to be on a plane in three hours! It took me ten minutes to pack."

"Unlike you, I care about my appearance."

"What is in there?"

"Extra shirts, underwear, slacks…"

Illya's eyebrows shot up. " _Slacks_?"

"Remember Pamploma? I'm not walking through the streets that way again!"

"That is what a sewing kit is for and I have one. What are you doing _now_?"

"Putting in cologne. Oh yeah, I could use another pair of socks."

"Napoleon, if you don't finish…"

"Shaving cream…"

Illya exploded, "Will you just finish packing!"

"Okay, Illya."


	40. Discovery

Illya was mesmerized. The group on the television was playing their hit song that had just become popular in America. He felt like the band was speaking directly to him. He made a note of the name of the group and their album and made plans to go to J&R's Music World across from City Hall on Saturday to buy it.

His partner's knock interrupted his train of thought. Napoleon entered his apartment with his key and asked, "What are you watching?"

"The Ed Sullivan Show. I am enjoying this act."

"Oh? Who are they, Partner?"

"They are the Beatles."


	41. Family Photo

"Illya? You've lived here for three years and this place still has that 'just moved in' look."

Confused, Illya looked around his apartment. "What do you mean?"

Napoleon waved his hand to encompass the space. "Nothing says 'Illya lives here,' not even a photograph. I realize you are a non – materialistic Communist, but you could have _one_ thing that is not purely functional. I'll bring you something tomorrow."

The Russian sighed, "Fine."

The next day, Napoleon handed Illya a photograph of the two of them. "Here's a family portrait for your wall."

Illya swallowed, visibly moved. "Thank you."


	42. The Secret of Their Success

Mr. Waverly sucked on his pipe as he contemplated his answer to his counterparts' question: What did he think was the reason for the continued success of the Solo – Kuryakin team?

"Gentlemen, this team has succeeded even beyond my expectations because they have broken espionage's First Rule: Trust no one. If one told the other the sky turned polka – dot, it would be believed without question. They know the other is completely trustworthy."

Number One Asia inquired, "How can we duplicate that?"

"One cannot capture lightning is a bottle, gentlemen; it either happens or it doesn't. It happened with them."


	43. Family Concerns

"Napoleon, are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, yes; that was my sister on the phone. Mom had some sort of medical issue that required a short hospital stay. She was annoyed that I was unavailable, I promised I would come this weekend assuming nothing comes up."

"It bothers you that you weren't able to be there, doesn't it?"

"She's my mother, Illya; of course it bothers me. I'm also the oldest."

"So, you have a duty."

"Yes. How do you tell your family that you have to save the world?"

"They know you love them."

"But is that enough?"

"One hopes."


	44. Reading Material

“What are you reading, Napoleon?”  Illya had come to Napoleon’s after work for dinner and television.  He picked the magazine up and frowned.  “Mad magazine?”  He flipped through it and snorted, “What is the purpose of this foolishness?”

Taking it from the Russian’s hand, Napoleon answered, “The ‘purpose,’ dear Illya, is laughter.  Don’t you ever read something just for fun?”

“ _Nyet.”_

Napoleon went to his room to retrieve the TV Guide.  Upon his return he observed, “I thought you didn’t read anything so foolish as Mad Magazine.”

Illya sniffed, “I do not, but I want to read ‘Spy vs. Spy.’”    


	45. The Holidays are Coming!

“We’re coming into my favorite time of the year, Illya.  Late October through December makes me happy.”

His new partner looked up from his mission report.  “Why is that?”

“During Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s we celebrate fun, food, family and friends; the Four Fs of Life.  You’ll see.”

Furrowing his brows, Illya asked, “What do you mean?  How?”

Napoleon smiled.  “Because working or not, we’ll be together and I am making it my personal mission to acclimate you to American holidays.”

“These holidays exist in England, Napoleon.  They are celebrated there.”

“Not like they are in the USA.”   


	46. Waste Not

“Illya, Aunt Amy wants to know if you have made Thanksgiving plans yet.”

“Oh?  She is not going to visit your sister like last year?”

“No, she told me the kids were wild and the adults were boring.  She’d rather stay in Manhattan.  I told her I will cook plus order a meal.  That way, if we have a mission, she’ll still have her catered meal.”

“But if we do _not_ have a mission, she will have two complete meals prepared!  Is that not wasteful?”

“Not with you around, Partner Mine.”

“Tell Aunt Amy I will be honored to come."


	47. Hurricane

Illya and Napoleon stood looking out Mr. Waverly’s window at the pouring rain and heavy winds that was Hurricane Donna.  The weather was ferocious; even THRUSH seemed to have hunkered down for the storm.  The agents were sharing a room in HQ for the duration.

“This is something America has that the USSR does not envy.”

Napoleon nodded, “Fortunately, they don’t happen often.  HQ’s metal walls are wind and waterproof, so all our technology is safe as is the staff.”

“If you gentlemen are finished storm watching, some of us have actual work to do.”

“We were just leaving, Sir.”


	48. Election Day

“Illya, come with me.  I have something to do before lunch.”

“I am hungry, Napoleon, can it not wait until after?”

“No.”  He started walking briskly knowing the Russian would follow.  Fifteen minutes later, they walked into an elementary school.  Napoleon signed in, showed his ID and motioned for Illya to enter the voting booth with him.

As Napoleon made his choices and flipped the lever, Illya said, “This is the most amazing thing about America: You choose your leadership.  Why are there so few people voting?  I do not understand how people ignore their civic duty.”

“Neither do I.”


	49. Election Day II

“Congratulate me, Illya, I picked a winner!” Napoleon beamed as they watched the election results later that night.

Illya listened with acute interest as the losing candidate conceded defeat.  He nodded as Napoleon explained, “The concession speech is the second most important moment of the election process.  It legitimizes the winner’s victory and informs the loser’s supporters that it is time to give up the fight and come back together as a unified nation.  Our government would fail and fall apart if the loser did not support the President – Elect.”

“This really is an amazing country,” the Russian said.

“Indeed.”


	50. Thanksgiving Day

“Napoleon, how many people have you invited for Thanksgiving dinner?”

“Just you.”

“What _is_ all this?”

“Well, Dinner’s at four, but we need appetizers to watch ‘March of the Wooden Soldiers’ and then football, so there are deviled eggs, celery, olives, nuts and beer, of course.  Dinner will be turkey with stuffing, lasagna, turnips, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, salad, cranberry sauce, apple cider, broccoli rabe, apple pie for dessert and wine.”

“Obviously, I am spending the night here because I will be incapable of movement.”

“Then my mission will be accomplished.  Have an egg.”

“ _Spacibo,_ my friend.”

“Happy Thanksgiving!”


	51. Sentimental

“Napoleon, why do you look so tired?”

“I had a date, the fourth one this week.  I’ll be so glad when the holidays are over.  Women become even more demanding of attention and if I don’t give it…Let’s just say winter will be very cold.”

“Who will you be with on Christmas Eve?”

“You and Aunt Amy.”

“I see; and who will you take out New Year’s Eve?”

“You and Aunt Amy.”

“I refuse to kiss you.”

“That’s okay; Aunt Amy will kiss us both.  I’d rather be with you two than anyone else.”

“Holidays make you sentimental.”

“They do.”


	52. Private Conversation

“Miss Rogers, were you able to go to Cartier’s?”

“Yes, Mr. Waverly; on my way home yesterday.  If I may say, that bracelet you picked out for Mrs. Waverly is simply stunning.  She is going to love it.”

He harrumphed, “I hope so.  I was away so much for so many years that I feel I must make it up to her.”

“Sir, I’ve seen the two of you; she loves you and knows you adore her.  You’re very fortunate.”

“Miss Rogers, you will love again one day.  Mr. Schofield would want you to be happy.”

“Thank you.  You’re right.”

 

Ref. “Dinner and a Story: Lisa Rogers”


	53. It's a New Day

Napoleon hung up the phone and sighed.  “I’m losing my mojo,” he moaned.

“What is ‘mojo’ and how are you losing it?”

“That was Brenda breaking our date.  That’s the third broken date this month.”

The Russian grinned, “I see.  Perhaps, my friend, if you were not racing through the secretarial staff like a bull in a china shop, you might be more successful.”

Napoleon leaned closer.  “What have you heard?”

“UNCLE’s women are starting to buy into the Women’s Liberation movement and want to be treated better by you and I agree.”

“Whose side are you on?”

“Theirs.”

“Traitor.”


	54. It's a New Day, Part II

“Napoleon, you have to admit that women are much more capable than American society believes.  April Dancer is the first female Section II, but I doubt she will be the last.  If you do not change your perception of women and their roles, I fear your tenure as CEA might be jeopardized.”

“You think Mr. Waverly would _remove_ me?” Napoleon asked incredulously.

“I think it is within the realm of possibility.”  Napoleon stood and put on his coat.  “Where are you going?”

“Home.  You’ve given me a lot to think about, Partner.  ‘Night.”

_You will make the right choice, Napoleon._


	55. It's a New Day, Part III

Napoleon sat sipping a scotch in his living room in front of his fire, Illya’s words reverberating in his mind.  _The Old Man wanted a female agent for the same reason he wanted a Soviet; to make UNCLE evolve.  That’s what I have to do, evolve.  April Dancer’s scores and grades in Survival School were impressive and Cutter!_ He _said she has what it takes.  So….._

Illya answered his phone, “Yes?”

“Partner Mine, I intend to treat April as a true equal.”

“Great, Napoleon!  Will you also do that for the support staff?”

“Baby steps, Illya, baby steps.”

“I see.”


	56. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally written to acknowledge New York State approving gay marriage and now added here to acknowledge Maine doing the same thing. Slash implied. No like, skip this chapter.

The two elderly men sat watching the TV as history happened. They looked at each other, partially in disbelief and partially in wonder. The former brunet, now a still devastatingly handsome silver – haired fox, pointed at the Governor of New York signing into law same – sex marriage and said, "I never thought I would live to see the day."

His companion, a former blond that age had turned brunet who was equally stunned, shook his head and said, "Me neither. It's incredible."

"Make it more incredible, Illya. Will you marry me?" Napoleon asked.

"Of course I will, my love."


	57. Russian Blue

“Why so blue, Tovarisch?  It’s a new year,” Napoleon said as he entered their office to see Illya sitting at his desk, head in hand, seemingly lost in thought.

“The old year is gone along with all my hopes and dreams.  Year endings always sadden me, Napoleon.  They remind me there are things I can never get back.  It is the Russian in me.”

Concerned, Napoleon asked, “What can I do for you?”

“Nothing.  The New Year reminds me that there are new dreams and hopes for which to strive.  I will survive; it is the Russian in me.”

“Indeed.”   


	58. Back to Business

“Well, Illya, the holidays are over, it’s a new year and it’s time to get back to business.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve taken down all my decorations, thrown away my Christmas cards and put away all my gifts.  It’s time now to stop looking back and start looking to the future.”

“You have another three miles to run on the treadmill, Napoleon.”

“I know.  Skinny Russian!  The least you could have done was gain weight.  I put on ten pounds!”

“You will lose it quickly, I am sure.”

“Next holiday season, I’ll watch what I eat.”

“I have heard that before.”

“Quiet.”


	59. A Moment of Self - Doubt

“April?”

“Mark.”

“What’s wrong, Luv?  Your face looks like a thundercloud.”

“I had a few words with some of the ‘ladies’ in Communications.  I overheard them talking about me in the locker room.  They are under the impression that I’m a slut because I had sex training in Survival School.”

“Just like every other Section II.”

“No, not like every other Section II; I’m a woman, so now I’m ‘ruined;’ no decent man will want me.  I ‘suggested’ strongly that they not discuss me again or things might become unpleasant.”

“You don’t believe that poppycock, do you?”

“Maybe I do.”


	60. Hump Day

“Thank God, today’s Hump Day.”

Illya’s face crinkled in confusion.  “What is a hump and why does it have a day?”

Napoleon laughed aloud, “You misunderstand!  Hump Day is a euphemism for Wednesday.  Two days behind us and two days before the weekend and my date with Christina from Translations.  Tell me you don’t look forward to Fridays.”

The Russian shrugged.  “I was used to working six and seven days a week for the KGB.  One day is very like any other.”

“What if I tell you I will treat you to brunch Sunday?”

“I cannot wait for the weekend.”


	61. An Observation

“Here they come; watch.”

Eyes followed the four agents as they silently entered the Commissary, got their food and sat down.  Without a word, salt and pepper shakers were shared and napkins passed.  Napoleon pushed his plate slightly toward Illya who plucked French fries from it to pop into his mouth.  April finished her salad and then helped Mark eat his slice of cherry pie.  Mark discarded their trays and came back with coffee for Napoleon and tea for everyone else.  They left having never spoken a word.

“They know each other better than husbands and wives!”

“I want that.”


	62. Tasty

“Ummm, this peanut butter sandwich is _exquisite_ ,” Illya moaned as he took another bite.  He and Napoleon were sitting in his apartment having lunch.

Napoleon slurped his milk and replied, “Hey, I enjoy a good PB&J as much as anyone, but I wouldn’t call it ‘exquisite’.”

Illya put the remainder into his mouth and drank his jam – sweetened tea.  “Have you ever tasted something and it tasted _exactly_ the way you imagined it?  That did.”

“Illyusha, only you could raise eating a peanut butter sandwich with a cup of hot tea to orgasmic heights.”

“I like peanut butter sandwiches, Napoleon.”


	63. Observing Lent

"Napoleon, let us go to the Commissary for coffee. I could use some caffeine." The two agents had been immersed in paperwork for hours.

"I'll go with you, Tovarisch, but I'm not getting any coffee; I gave it up for Lent."

Illya stared at his partner. "You are serious! I did not know you practiced _any_ religious rituals."

The CEA shrugged, "I usually don't, but I believe a little discipline is never a bad thing."

The Russian nodded. "If you really want to practice discipline, how about giving up sex?"

Napoleon laughed. "No one needs that much discipline!"


	64. Reading for Pleasure

The two men were relaxing in their hotel room before their flight to New York.  The Russian looked up from his book.  “What are you reading, Napoleon?”

“Louis L’Amour’s Hondo.  You?”

“Edward West’s Biophysical Chemistry.”

“Good grief, Illya, don’t you ever turn off?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you ever read something just for pleasure?”

“This is pleasurable.”

“My dear deluded friend, here; _this_ is pleasurable.”

“Silver Canyon?  How many L’Amour novels do you own?”

“All of them.  If you like that one, I’ll let you borrow them.  They’ll teach you about the Old West.”

“So, they are educational?”

“Okay.”


	65. Making Excuses

“Celia, I’m so sorry, but duty calls.  I _must_ leave,” Napoleon said as he finished dressing and bent to kiss his latest conquest as she sat with the sheets draped around her.  “You’re beautiful and I had a wonderful time.”  He shoved his feet into his shoes.  “Bye, baby,” he said as he let himself out.

He exited the building, walked a block and got into the passenger side of a parked car.  “Thanks, Partner; she was getting too clingy.”

“Communicators were not made to extricate you from clingy women.  One day, this will backfire badly.”

“You’re probably right, Illya.”


	66. On Second Thought

“Mr. Solo, what do you think about the burgeoning friendship between Miss Dancer and Mr. Kuryakin?”

Napoleon answered, “Mr. Waverly, I think it is beneficial for both of them.  They are fish out of water: The only Russian and the only female agents UNCLE has.  They understand each other in ways that neither Mr. Slate nor I can.”

“Do you think it would be better if _they_ were partnered?”

“No, Sir.  Illya is a perfect match for me in the field; Mark feels the same about April.”

“And, you don’t think their partnership would be better.”

“Not for me.  No.” 


	67. The Dinner

“Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Tovarisch.  What are we having?”

“Roast chicken, baked potatoes with butter and sour cream, corn on the cob and vanilla ice cream.”

Napoleon’s eyes widened in surprise.  “Illya!  You’ve learned to _cook!”_

“I have learned to set the oven to 350, clean chicken, add salt and pepper and put it in a pan with washed potatoes.  It is hardly cooking.”

“Considering your usual Chinese takeout, this is a feast, indeed.  Everything tastes great!”

The Russian blushed, “Thank you.”

“Now you have to get rid of the paper plates.”

“One thing at a time, Napoleon.”


	68. April and Sal

April Dancer stepped through the entrance of Del Floria’s and smiled at the gentleman manning the steam press.  “Good morning,” she looked around quickly, “Agent Del Floria.”

“Good morning!  You call me Sal, okay?  Then no worries if Innocents are here.”

“Okay, Sal, but only if you call me April.”

“Agreed.  You’re here early.”

“Mark and I are flying to Sicily today so I want to clear off my desk.”

“I’ll give you names of wonderful restaurants in Palermo and Bari.  If you have time, you go.”

“That’s lovely, Sal.”

“We look out for each other, April.”

“That we do.” 


	69. Redeye Flight

The two agents walked down the TWA pathway toward Ground Transportation, one looked weary and unkempt while the other looked fairly well rested.

“I hate not sleeping on the redeye,” Napoleon fumed to Illya’s amusement.  “Now I need Visine.”

“You _do_ look hung-over,” Illya observed, “I was able to sleep extremely well.”

“I guess so; you were using _me_ as a pillow!  My eyes are red and puffy, my arm is sore, my suit’s a mess; Mr. Waverly’s going to think he’s meeting with Quasimodo.”

Illya snorted, “As long as he does not think I am Esmeralda!”

“You’re a riot.”


	70. Two Firsts Together

“Mark, any lunch plans?”

“Napoleon!  No, no plans.  April is ‘aving lunch with Illya; says they ‘ave ‘things’ to discuss.”

“You sound a little jealous.”

Mark huffed, “I’m not jealous, but this is the fourth time in two weeks that they’ve ‘eaded out without us.  We’re their partners!  They can tell us anything!”

Napoleon clapped Mark’s shoulder.  “First Russian, first female in UNCLE, they have feelings of isolation in common, I guess.”

Mark sighed, “Survival School trained us to ‘ave our partners’ back.  I feel like I’m letting April down somehow.”

“You’re not.  They know we’re here for them.”

“Right.” 


	71. Something Old

“What’s wrong, Illya?  You look like you want to punch a hole in the wall.”

The Russian sat frowning at his typewriter.  “It’s broken and I have to finish the mission report for Mr. Waverly today.”

“So?  Go sit in the secretarial pool.  I’m sure someone must be out sick.”

“I am used to this typewriter!  It is old, but it suits me.  I do not like having to learn how to use a newer model when I have work to do.”

Napoleon cracked up, “You sound like an old man set in his ways!”

“I am what I am.”


	72. Another Observation

Lisa Rogers brought the memos into Mr. Waverly’s office for his signature.  She saw he was on the phone and started to leave, but was stopped by his waving hand.  She smiled as he was obviously speaking with his wife.

“Yes, my dear girl.  I’ll be on my way home shortly.  I’ve missed you, too.  Yes, I remember our night in Marseilles.  I think revisiting that night would be lovely, too.  I’ll bring home a bottle of wine.  The feeling is mutual.  Goodbye.”  He looked at her smiling face.  “One is never too old for romance, Miss Rogers.”

“No, sir.”


	73. Expense Report

“Mr. Solo, I want you to explain the meaning of this expense report.  Two thousand dollars to replace your _shoes and clothing?_ ”

Napoleon, who had known this meeting was coming, was ready.  “Mr. Waverly, somehow THRUSH tracked Illya and me to our hotel and bombed our room.  You know part of my cover was to attend that black tie affair.  I had to replace on short notice my tuxedo, shirt, shoes along with my other clothing.”

“But, a _silk_ tuxedo and shirt?  Mr. Kuryakin’s total reimbursement request is $200!”

“Mr. Kuryakin buys his wardrobe off the rack, Sir.”

“I see.”


	74. First Warm Day

Napoleon took off his jacket and swung it jauntily over his shoulder.  “I love this weather!  Sunny, eighty – four…”

“Humid, hot,” Illya grumbled, “I do not like it.”

“Partner Mine, you’ve been living in New York for a while; you should be acclimated to this weather by now.  This is the best season.”

“The best season is winter; the air is fresh and clean and smells good.”

The brunet winced.  “I have never like cold weather.”

“Partner Mine,” Illya mimicked, “you have been living here a long time; you should be acclimated by now.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t become you, Illya Kuryakin.”


	75. One of Those Days

“ _Chyort!_ ” the Russian snarled as he crumbled up another piece of paper and threw it in the garbage.

“One of those days, Partner?”

“ _Da._ I am attempting to resolve a problem with my experiment and making no progress.  I have been at it for hours.”

“Take a break, Illya.  You’re too close to the problem.  Let’s get something to eat.”

“Hello, boys.  Join me.”

“Hi, April.”

“April.  Forgive me, I am not good company; I am working on a problem.”

“Poor darling.  I’m sure you will find the answer.”

“April, seeing you makes me not care.”

“That makes my day!” 


	76. Dinner Plans

“Good morning, Sal.”

The tailor looked up.  “Alex! How are you, my friend?”

“I’m well.  My wife and I have decided to have a small dinner party this Saturday evening and would like you and Carmella to be our guests.  It has been far too long since the four of us have socialized.”

Sal’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.  “Just the four of us?  Your children won’t be there?”

“No and neither will Mssrs. Solo and Kuryakin.  Sometimes, it is enjoyable to talk to people of the same age who remember and appreciate the same things.”

“It is indeed, Alex.”  


	77. Volunteer

“Illya, please get me some aspirin, my head’s killing me.”

“You look terrible!  Did you get the information?”

“Yes, but only after spending hours in some dive bar on 42nd Street drinking the worst swill I have ever had the misfortune to drink.  Undercover work _stinks_!  My wig itched, those stupid glasses dented my nose and if he’d told one more lame joke, I would have darted him.”

“UNCLE thanks you for your sacrifice, Napoleon,” Illya avowed, “Come, I will drive you home.”

“Remind me never to volunteer again.”

“You know you would do it again.”

“You’re right.”

“I know.”

 


	78. Guess What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Sugar & Spies drabble.

“Daddy, guess what?” Leona asked as Napoleon came through the front door.

He kissed her and said, “What?”

“Tomorrow is the Fourth of July!  ‘Merica’s birthday!”

“ _A_ merica and yes, I know.  Papa and I have the day off and we’ll be barbecuing on the terrace.  Aunt April and Uncle Mark will be here, too.  Hi, Papa.”

“Hello.  I called the Greers to let them know we are staying home since we must work Friday.”

“I’m hungry, Daddy.  So is Papa.”

“I’ll start dinner.  Guess what, Leona?”

“What?”

“Papa’s going to help cook tomorrow!”

“ _What?_ ”

“Time to learn to cook, Papa.”   


	79. First Kill

“Never thought I’d see this balcony again,”

“Wot are you goin’ on about, Luv?”

“My first kill was right here, Mark.  Four years ago.  I can’t believe THRUSH came back to this place!  Before we were matched up; I was on a mission with Illya while Napoleon recuperated in Medical.  The satrap leader had gotten the drop on him and was holding him on this balcony with a gun to his head.  He thought I wouldn’t shoot.”

“So?”

“I blew off the right side of his face.  That was the day Illya said he knew I’d make a good agent.” 


	80. First Kill II

“What about you, Darling?  Do you remember your first kill?”

The Englishman put his pen down and leaned back in his seat.  His eyes looked off at a point above April’s shoulder.  “Yes,” he answered, “I was in ‘and to ‘and combat with the largest THRUSHie I ‘ad ever seen.  I remember thinking one of us is about to die.  That thought pushed me ‘arder until I was able to snap his neck.”

April leaned across her desk.  “Oh, Darling, how horrible for you.”

Mark nodded.  “Killing someone with your bare ‘ands; it doesn’t _get_ more personal than that, Luv.”


	81. Hot Nights

Napoleon’s phone rang three times before he was awake enough to answer.  “Hello?” he rasped.

“It is I, Napoleon.”

The tone of voice made him sit straight up in bed.  “Illya?  What’s wrong?  What time is it?”

“Midnight.  I cannot sleep; it is 90 degrees outside and it must be 110 in here.”

“Oh, poor baby!  Do you want to come and sleep with me under the air conditioning?” Napoleon teased in a high voice.

“If you do not mind.”

“Your bed is already made up, Partner.  Use your key.  I’m going back to sleep.”

“I am in your debt.”


	82. Promise

Napoleon awoke from a nightmare with a start.  He looked around the hotel room and saw that Illya was sitting at the table.  “Are you alright, Napoleon?  You look like you have seen a ghost.”

His head fell back on the pillow.  “Bad dream, Partner.”  He sat up and stared at the Russian.  “Illya, I just want to tell you: I love you like a brother.  I can’t imagine my life without you in it.  Promise me you won’t die.”

“ _Boszhe moi,_ that must have been some nightmare!  Tell me about it.”

“I can’t.  Promise me!”

“I cannot.”

“I know.”


	83. Mr. Popularity

Napoleon groaned when the phone rang for what seemed the hundredth time that morning.  “Please answer that, Tovarisch, it’s probably another secretary wanting me to escort her to UNCLE’s dinner dance.  Whose stupid idea _was_ that, anyway?”

“Your superior’s,” Illya replied as he answered the phone.  “Kuryakin.  No, he is not.  I will tell him,” he said before hanging up.

Napoleon held up his hand.  “Don’t tell me; I’ve made up my mind who I’m taking.”

“Who?”

“You.  Unless you have a date, let’s go stag so I can avoid alienating my dating pool.”

“You are lucky I like you.”


	84. Not Much Time Left

“Today is the last day of July,” Napoleon griped, “and I haven’t had a chance to go to the beach _once._ ”

“Napoleon, I would not know what to do if I did not hear at least one complaint from you daily.”

“Just because you like to be as white as a polar bear doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t want a tan.  Women find my tan quite attractive and I’m looking positively pasty.”

“If THRUSH captures us in August, I will tell them you wish to be interrogated in the sunlight.”

“You really are a smart – alecky Russian.”

“ _Da._ ”


	85. Movie Night

“April, would you like to see a movie tonight?”

“Oh, Illya Darling, can we go see Nevada Smith?  Steve McQueen plays a half – Indian man determined to track down his parents’ killers.”

“If you wish.  You like this actor, Steve McQueen?”

April smiled, “Oh yes!  He’s so handsome and all man.  He rides motorcycles in real life and did I say he’s handsome?”

“Twice.”

“I may be a big, bad UNCLE agent, but I have a schoolgirl crush on that man.”

“I see.”

“Darling, don’t be jealous.  You’re the only man whose bed I want to share.”

“I am glad.”


	86. Napoleon Appreciation Day

Napoleon entered his office and stared at his desk.  “What’s all this?” he asked his partner.

“Today is something called ‘Bosses’ Appreciation Day’ and some staff got you cards.”

Delighted, he sat down and read through the pile, placing each card on display.  “This is very nice, but nothing from my own partner?” he pouted.

Rolling his eyes Illya replied, “You are my first and best friend and my brother and I would die for you.  What else must I say?”

“I’m your favorite boss.”

“You are my favorite blockhead.  Do you want that in a card?”

“No, I’m good.”


	87. Male Eggs, A Sugar & Spies Drabble

Leona and Napoleon were lying on the couch watching television when Illya came home from work.  “Why are you two lazing about on a beautiful Saturday afternoon?”

The three year old ran to Papa and said as he picked her up, “Daddy has male eggs, so I’m keeping him company.  I think he needs cookies and milk.”

Illya’s eyebrows shot skyward.  “Napoleon?”

“ _Malaise_ is what I said.  I’m with my favorite nurse; I’ll be fine.  Right, Leona?”

“Right!”

“I will bring cookies and milk for us all.  Stay with Daddy.”

“Thanks, Partner Mine.  You are the best.”

“You are welcome.”


	88. Kitchen Fallout

“I really don’t understand, Illya.  You have a Ph.D. for Pete’s sake!  What is the problem?” Napoleon griped as he sat by the open window to get fresh air.  “You almost burned your apartment down!”

The Russian blushed.  “I thought if I turned the oven to 500, the roast would cook faster.  I forgot to factor in that it would become…very well done.”

Napoleon guffawed.  “Let’s go eat in a less… _smoky_ environment.  I appreciate your attempt to make dinner, but from now on, order takeout.”

Illya sighed, “I _will_ conquer the kitchen one day.”  

“Hope does springs eternal, Partner Mine.”


	89. Their Favorite Lady

The woman answered the phone on the fifth ring.  “Hello?”

“Aunt Amy!  Are you free Sunday early afternoon?  Illya and I would love to take you to brunch.”

“Sweet nephew, wouldn’t you two rather escort some lovely young lady?”

“ _You_ are the only young lady whose company we desire.  Will you join us?”  Napoleon smiled as his aunt giggled like a schoolgirl.

“Of course, see you Sunday.”

“She is coming?”

“Yes.  It amazes me how much I love my aunt; she has enriched my life so much.  I adore her.”

“You are _so_ sentimental.  I love her, too.”

“I know.”


	90. Separation

 

The communicator began to chirp insistently until the sheet – covered body stirred into life.  “Dancer.”

 

“Morning, Duck!” Mark’s chipper voice responded.  “We’ve been called to duty.  The Old Man wants to see us in an hour.  Shall I pick you up?”

 

“No, Darling.  Be a love and get me a large coffee and I’ll meet you in Waverly’s office?  That will save us both time.”

 

“Your wish is my command.  Slate out.”

 

A blond head emerged.  “ _Chyort,_ so much for a weekend together.  I knew it was too good to be true.”

 

“Illya, don’t pout.  Think of my return.”

 

“ _Da._ ”

 


	91. Illya the Hero

“Thanks, Illya!” Carol from Translations said as she gave him a tin of cookies.

“Thank you, Illya!” Joan giggled as she handed him a box of cupcakes.

“Illya, my hero!” Miranda beamed as she placed a large black and white cookie in front of him.

“What is this about?” Napoleon asked as he ate his breakfast and watched women cross the Commissary to hand baked goods to his appreciative partner.

“There were two rather large spiders inhabiting the ladies’ room. I dispatched them per the secretarial pool’s request. These are my rewards.”

“Nice! Care to share?”

“Kill your own spiders.”


	92. It's Almost that Time, A Sugar & Spies Drabble

“Daddy?”

“Yes, Leona?”

“I don’t wanna go to school.”

“Why?”

“I want to stay home with you and Papa.”

“Papa and I do a lot of traveling. Don’t you want to be with your friends while we’re gone?”

“You won’t stay if I don’t go to school?”

“We can’t, Leona. We have to work. And you have to go to school.”

“Why?”

“So that you can learn things. You want to be smart like Papa, right?”

“And you, too, Daddy. You’re very smart.”

“Thanks!”

“What are we talking about?”

“How smart Leona thinks I am.”

“She is your biggest fan.”


	93. Labor Day Plans

“I think we should have a cookout for Labor Day,” Napoleon opined. He, Illya and Leona Nicole were eating dinner.

“School starts Wednesday, so that will be perfect.”

“Do we eat hotdogs like July fourth, Daddy?”

“Yes, plus hamburgers, potato salad, baked beans, lemonade, maybe ice cream for dessert…”

Leona said, “And Papa’s deviled eggs? He makes good ones.”

Papa smiled. “Thank you, Daughter. I will make them and a tossed salad.”

“You don’t have to make salad, Papa.”

“Salad with vegetables is very healthy and good for you, Leona.”

“You keep saying that.”

Daddy laughed so hard he cried.


	94. A Pending Crisis

“Mark? Are you okay?"

“What? Yes, Napoleon.”

“You seem a little…off.”

The Brit sighed, “Truth be told, I am. April is off with Illya. Again.”

“I thought you and he settled your disagreement about her.”

“We did. It’s just…well, I’m jealous. They seem so happy.”

Napoleon was stunned. “You want April?”

“No, I want what they have. I’m lonely. No offense, but I’m not as sexually free as you are. I want to do my job, but I want a relationship.”

“You can’t have both, my friend.”

“I know. Something has to give.”

“Let’s have dinner and talk.”

“Thank you.”


	95. Misheard Words

Leona looked at the snack Papa had placed in front of her. “This looks like grape tomatoes! You said we were having kippers.”

Papa grabbed one and popped it into his mouth. “When did I say that?”

“This morning. You told Daddy that we would be home fast because it’s ‘Yum Kippers’ today. I like kippers. Where are they?”

Papa laughed, “Daughter, you misunderstood! Today is Yom Kippur, a Jewish holiday. Remember we talked about that two weeks ago?”*

“Oh. May I call Daddy? I told him you were making dinner.”

“Yes, call him quickly before he makes a date!”

 

*ref. to my Sugar & Spies tale “Of God and Goblins”


	96. Visualization

“Why aren’t you sweating, Illya? It’s almost a hundred degrees out here.”

“I keep cool by picturing myself relaxing on a beach with cooling tropical breezes caressing me as I sip a refreshing drink. You should try it.”

“Okay.” Napoleon leaned back and began to imagine himself on a beautiful beach, listening to gentle waves lap the shore. He began to picture bikini – clad women splashing in the surf, running along the water’s edge, playing volleyball. “Nope!” he jerked upright. “That’s not working for me.”

“Let me guess. You were not alone on your beach?”

“Now I’m hot _and_ bothered.”


	97. Lucky Man

“What’s wrong, Illya?”

“What makes you think anything is wrong?”

“I spoke to you twice and you didn’t hear me.”

“Maybe I was ignoring you.”

“Haha. Spill.”

“April and I had a disagreement last night.”

“Ah, your first fight! Go tell her you’re sorry.”

“I did nothing wrong!”

“So? Say sorry anyway!”

“Why should I?”

“So you’ll be happy, are you happy now?”

Sighing, Illya stood just as someone knocked. “Come!”

“Hello.”

“April!” Napoleon exclaimed, “What brings you here?”

“I came to apologize to Illya. I was wrong, Darling. Forgive me?”

“Da.”

Napoleon opined, “You’re a lucky man, indeed, Illya.”


	98. While There's Time

“Oh, Alexander, what a lovely surprise you coming home early,” Elizabeth said as she passed the vegetables. “I do get so tired of dining alone.”

“I know you do, My Love, and the fact that you never complain makes me love you all the more.” Mr. Waverly had decided to leave Headquarters at a decent time because one of his Section III’s wife had died unexpectedly and while offering his condolences, the urge to be with Elizabeth was overwhelming. _I cannot imagine my life without her and her grace and beauty; tomorrow’s not promised._

“I love you, Elizabeth.”

“I know.”


	99. A New Best Friend

“There’s a kitten on your head.”

“I know.”

“Why is there a kitten on your head?”

“He climbed up my back and sat on my shoulder while I was checking the film in my camera and then decided the view from my head is better.”

“Should I add him to the mission report?”

“Why am I the only one surveilling that building?”

“You’re not, the kitty’s looking, too. I should take a picture of the two of you.”

“Napoleon…”

“Alright, I’ll stop, but if he sees something first, I’m taking credit.”

“You are ridiculous.”

“ _I’m_ not wearing a kitty cap.”

 


	100. A New Best Friend II

“It’s 0430 and we have everything we need and the sun rises soon. Wake Morris and let’s go.”

“Who is Morris?”

“Your sleeping kitty cap, or were you planning on leaving him here?”

“I had not thought about it and if you consider him mine, why did _you_ name him?”

“Have to call him _something_ and he’s orange like that TV cat. Hurry up!”

“Hold him while I drive.”

“Don’t be scared, Morris; Daddy always drives this way.”

“Shut up.”

“Waverly wants these pictures ASAP, so head straight to HQ.”

“What about… _Morris?_ ”

“Everyone will love him on sight.”

“Oh, _chyort._ ”


	101. Time to Move On

Miss Rogers and Mr. Waverly were enjoying a rare drink together after business hours.  It would probably shock some of the HQ staff, but after hours, it was “Lisa” and “Alexander.”

“This wine is exquisite; I love a dry white.”

“Thank you.  Elizabeth discovered this brand one day when she and a girlfriend went to a tasting at a local wine store.  I enjoy it, too.” 

They sipped their drinks in silence.  “Lisa,” he said, “have you begun dating?”

“What? No!  Why would I?”

“Baron would not want you to be lonely.  He loved you very much.”*

“I know, Alexander.”

 

*ref. my Dinner and a Tale story, “Lisa Rogers.”


	102. Shopping List

“Napoleon, how do you change food preferences with Housekeeping?”

“There’s a form.  I’ll bite: What changes are you making?”

Illya blushed.  “Your decadence has rubbed off on me.  I want steaks, asparagus in season and mores types of spices.”

Napoleon frowned.  “You can’t cook!  You’ll ruin those steaks!”

“Not if you come over and make dinner.”

“Not a bad idea; we’ll pad your shopping list with luxuries so that it doesn’t look like I’m the only one with champagne tastes.  We eat dinner together enough to make it worthwhile.”

“You would make my choices all about you, Napoleon.”

“So what?” 


	103. Planning

“Don’t you have a birthday coming up, Tovarisch?”

“Napoleon, what is this obsession you have with my birthday?  It is a day like any other.”

 _No, Illya, it’s my best friend’s birthday and I am determined to celebrate it._ “I have to go see Mr. Waverly.  See you later.”  Moments later, he knocked on Mark and April’s office door.

“Hi, Napoleon!”

“Hi.  I’m reminding you that Monday is Illya’s birthday.  He grew up with the day ignored and can’t get excited about it.  I want you two to help me plan something special for that reticent Russian.”

“We’re in, Napoleon.”


	104. Indirect Deposit

“This is so frustrating,” Napoleon muttered as he went through his accumulated mail.  He was cooking dinner for himself and his partner after arriving home from the West Coast.

“What is frustrating?”

“I’m expecting a check and I thought it would be here by now.  So annoying!  Why can’t checks you’re owed be deposited directly into your checking account via a transaction?  Then you wouldn’t have to worry that it’s lost in the mail.”

“You are interested in computer programming; maybe you will figure out a way to do that one day.”

“Good idea!  I’ll work on that.”

“Do that.”


	105. Irresistable, An UNCLE Has a Cat! Drabble

“Go away!  I’m busy!” Napoleon was pleased to now hear silence in the hallway.   
  
Ten minutes later, the door slid open to reveal Illya with Morris trailing behind him.  The kitten immediately ran to the CEA and half – jumped, half – climbed into his lap.  Smiling down he said, “What?  I tell you I’m busy and you wait for Illya to let you in?”  Stroking Morris’ fur, he opined, “You love me! I’m irresistible.”   
  
The Russian snorted.  “The affection of one cat hardly makes you irresistible.  Morris is equally fond of the kitchen staff.”   
  
“Stop trying to burst my bubble.”   
  
“Blockhead.”


	106. Indian Summer

“I’m loving this Indian summer weather!”

“You would,” Illya snarled, “I find it barely tolerable. October is supposed to be nice and cool in New York City. Look, people are sunning themselves in Central Park!”

“I suppose you would prefer 36 degrees and snow?”

“I would.”

“Illya, you are the only person I know who would rather have a snowy day than a warm one.”

“Napoleon, you must really come to the Ukraine with me. You would meet many who feel as I do.”

“I think Soviets want everyone to be as cold as they are. No, thanks.”

“Spoiled American.”


	107. Anticipation

“Napoleon, what is taking you so long to write your half of the mission report?  The entire _affair_ did not take this long!”

“Well, Tovarisch, I’m thinking of the best way to word this; I want to make sure Mr. Waverly has all the information without giving him _all_ the information.”

“What kind of doublespeak are you saying?  What does that even mean?”

Napoleon shrugged as he picked up his pencil again.  “Illya, do you really want me to write down what I had to do to you to get you out those bindings?”

“Take all the time you need.” 


	108. Reporting to the Chiefs, an UNCLE Has a Cat! drabble

Illya and Napoleon walked into Waverly’s office and found him gazing out the window.

“Gentlemen, be seated,” he said as he approached his chair.  “What the deuce?” he exclaimed to see Morris sitting there looking up at him.

Illya moved swiftly to Waverly’s seat and gathered Morris to him.  “Sorry, Sir.  He must have followed us.”  He was surprised when Waverly took Morris and sat him on his lap.

“I don’t fault the animal for wanting to be in good company,” Waverly replied as he stroked Morris’ head, eliciting a loud contented purr.  “Morris and I await your mission report.”


	109. We Have Each Other

“Good morning, Sal!  What’s going on at the corner?”

“Morning, Napoleon, Illya.  A dead woman was found behind a steering wheel by a passerby an hour ago.”

“What!” Illya exclaimed.  “Do the police know what happened?”

“Yes, sadly it was a suicide.  She left a note.”

The partners entered Reception, received their badges and then went to the Commissary for coffee.

“I can’t imagine feeling so alone that I would end my life.”

“I agree.  Napoleon, you would tell me if you felt isolated and in pain?”

“I would.”

“I also.  It is good to have a friend.”

“It is.”


	110. Indecision

“What’s the matter, Luv?  You look like you’re thousands of miles away.”

“Hi, Mark.  I was just thinking.”

“About breaking up with Illya?”

“Yes.  Hmm, maybe we should rethink this ‘No secrets between us’ rule.  You know too much.”

“You started it.  Are you regretting calling it quits?”

“What if I am?”

“You should talk to Illya.”

“And say _what_?  I want you back, I was wrong?”

“’Ow about ‘I love you?’  You know you do.”

“If I admit that, do you understand how complicated that will make my life?  _His_ life?”

“I’ll support any decision you make.”

“I know.”


	111. Backup

“Morris, you have been a very bad kitty,” chastised Napoleon, “A very bad kitty, indeed.”

Morris meowed his innocence, or at least, Napoleon thought so.  “You have no excuses; Dr. Jameson himself told me he _saw_ you deliberately rip Nurse Barrett’s stockings when she attempted to change Illya’s bandages.”

“Do not berate Morris for trying to defend me, Napoleon.  He perceived a threat and attempted to neutralize it.  He is to be commended.”

“I see.  Are you saying that when I’m not here to have your back, Morris is?”

“If the shoe fits…”

“I think you’ve gone soft, my friend.”


	112. Morning Battle, A Sugar & Spies Tale

“She is only two and a half, Napoleon!It took me less than twenty minutes to bathe her.Why are you taking so long to dress her?We have to leave shortly in order to drop her at the Greers’ and make our flight on time.What is taking you so long?”

The normally dapper CEA’s hair hung limply and perspiration dotted his brow.His back was aching from running bent over back and forth from room to room.“I’ve dressed her twice!She’s not cooperating!”

“What is the problem?”

“She’s refusing to put on pants!”

The Russian collapsed laughing. 


End file.
